I've read - consistently - over the past two days - the horrible situation involving Tyler Clementi.
For those of you who don't know, a quick search on nj.com will tell you the whole story, but basically, this young college freshman was the recipient of seriously evil bullying. Two of his Class of 2014 classmates, Molly Wei and Dharun Ravi, chose to humiliate this poor boy by videotaping him having sex and broadcasting it on ichat. Yesterday (or the day before), Mr. Clementi's car, computer, and cell phone were found near the GW Bridge. He is presumed to have jumped from the bridge and committed suicide. Googling any of the three names will bring you more details. This comes in the wake of the young high school freshman who hanged himself after being called a "fag" one too many times - and Andrew Shirvell (an Assistant Attorney General, for crying out loud) and his horrifying blog against Chris Armstrong.
Here's where I diverge from the "norm" in my opinion, and here's where the friends of my own generation are probably going to disagree with me. While all three of these incidents involves gay males, and while I, being the parent of two gay boys, most definitely see the need for education and tolerance toward the gay community, I do not believe these issues are about about homosexuality. Rather, homosexuality being the hot topic of the era, as opposed to gender equality (when I was growing up) or racial equality, homosexuals have become the most recent victims of a culture that has existed since the beginning of time - BULLIES.
Don't get me wrong - homosexuals have always been persecuted...and are still persecuted today. Being of scientific mind, I believe sexuality is a genetic trait, and as such, I do not believe I, or you, or anyone else has the right to condemn someone for being homosexual. I don't believe gay marriage threatens the sanctity of marriage at all (hell, I got divorced...and my marriage was decidedly heterosexual...in fact, the divorce rate, at almost 50%, is ALL heterosexual). Allowing gays to marry won't create a gateway for sex and marriage with goats - NOR will it create more gay children. There are THREE gay young men in my family - all three of them born of heterosexual parents...explain THAT.
There are many people - even friends of mine - that do not agree with me. That's their right. None of them, however, would be ok with their children doing what Wei and Ravi did. None of them would be ok with their kids doing what was done to Matthew Shepard. I have several friends who oppose gay marriage - yet I firmly believe that, if any one of them received a call from school indicating their child had participated in humiliation of a gay classmate, they'd suffer severe wrath. Because while they are raising their children with THEIR opinions, they are also raising them with another very important trait - RESPECT...for themselves, for other humans, and for the world around them.
There were bullies when I was in school. I was often the victim of them. Girls who thought they were "cool" would paint nasty words on your locker...or knock your books out of your hand as you walked past...or pass notes with ugly drawings of you. There were places where it was even worse. Polaroid cameras allowed us to take humiliating pictures of our friends and post them up on bulletin boards. REAL bulletin boards...not cyber bulletin boards.
Now - our horror can be much more far reaching. The invention of the camera phone (many with video capabilities) allowed us to snap embarrassing pictures of our "friends" without them knowing and publish them anywhere - or send them to everyone on our "picture messaging" list. The hit series Gossip Girl focuses on the ability to humiliate each other with the touch of a "send" button. Video chat, digital imagery, video games - all have desensitized an entire generation to the concept of humanity...acting before we know the consequences, we can cause so much damage in so little time.
None of this would happen if WE, as the PARENTS, didn't allow it. There are nasty comments all over the internet about Wei and Ravi - how awful they are, how they should get the book thrown at them...yet I see very few comments asking where their parents were when they were raised to believe that bullying - ANY bullying - is funny, ok, or acceptable?
A boy calls another boy a name. Boy goes to parents upset. Parents call other boy's parents. Then they hear "Well, you know, boys will be boys." No. NO. NO. This is NOT OK. We have a responsibility, as parents, to raise our children to be decent human beings. If your 18 year old kid does something like this, I am going to blame you (note - if your 30 year old kid does it, it's his fault - that's old enough to have realized your parents raised you wrong and get some awareness - but at 18, you are a product of your parents). As a parent, YOU DID SOMETHING WRONG - maybe you bullied your own kids into obedience. Parents calling a child "worthless" is not uncommon - disgusting, but not uncommon. Maybe your kids saw you laughing at someone else's misfortune. More likely, your kids observed you do nothing when someone was being bullied in some way. THIS TELLS THEM IT'S OK.
Much has been said about Wei and Ravi's ethnic backgrounds, indicating that they should be "more" tolerant of homosexuality because they are from non-traditional ethnic backgrounds. Really? Do we REALLY THINK THIS? The truth is, if it weren't gays, it would be someone else. These kids believed that publicly humiliating someone was funny - regardless of what that someone was doing, or who that someone was. Funny. Like haha funny. Like "look at that guy having sex with another guy/picking his nose/masturbating/going through his roommate's drawers" funny. And yes, I realize that being videotaped/broadcast having sex is FAR worse than picking your nose, the point is that it was public humliation - and these wastes of space thought it was FUNNY.
I watched Schindler's List with Jared when he was nine years old. I wanted him to SEE - even then - the horror of what one human being can cause another. I wanted him to know it was wrong. When Matthew Shepard died, I made sure they knew - and why. Yes, we've watched Mean Girls - and laughed during it. But my children are WELL aware of what would happen to them should I find out they participated in that sort of behavior...and when they did, they suffered consequences as a result of it.
Our children do not raise themselves, and with very few exceptions, they are not born bad. Molly Wei and Dharun Ravi were not BORN to believe bullying is is a joke. They were raised that way.
Please don't get me wrong - I am not saying these parents raised their kids with a daily dosage of "go out there and bully." What I AM saying is that along the way, they had the opportunity to teach them right and wrong - and they chose not to do so. In most cases, it's more a matter of speaking out against injustice - when you don't, you are teaching your children that injustice is justice. If your child is sitting in a room, and you're talking with a friend, and your friend is ranting about the "dothead" that cut in front of her in the supermarket line, you, as the parent, are obligated to ask your friend not to speak that way in front of your child - or remove your child. Sorry - I know it's uncomfortable...but your primary responsibility here is to raise a child. By saying nothing, your child is learning that speaking that way about a culture is ok - and he's learning that from his parent. Even when he gets to school, and they try to teach him it's wrong, he's not going to get it - because it's ok with his parents.
It's OUR fault, people. WE are the ones who are raising this generation. It's our responsibility to show them that tolerance and acceptance are better than bullying and humiliation. It's our responsibility to speak up - and loudly - when we see injustice...so that our children realize it's happening and that we, as their parents, do not support it (remember - most kids are devastated at the thought that they've disappointed their parents). It's our responsibility to show our children that there are consequences for bullying...and then implement them. We cannot sit back and just say "how could they," because they COULD because we told them it was ok.
I am, of course, not speaking of every parent...I know there are parents who raise their children to be aware, and tolerant, and to believe that bullying of any sort is wrong. But while we absolutely, positively, need to be held accountable for our actions, one of those actions IS raising children. And so, while we are condemning Ravi and Wei for what is truly a heinous act that ended tragically for Tyler Clementi, so should we be condemning their parents, and their grandparents, and their aunts, uncles, neighbors, and anyone else who had contact with them - because they learned this behavior somewhere.
I am very sorry for Tyler Clementi and his family. I am sorry he felt so horrifyingly humiliated that he needed to take his own life. I am sorry his family is going to have to suffer every day for the rest of their lives as they grieve him. But I am sorrier for us - because while the tolerance of homosexuality may increase over time, there will be another "group" that will become the victims of people who feel public humiliation is a right.
And above all, I am thankful that my son has dorm mates and roommates who were raised by decent people.
Rant over.
