Giving up Facebook for Lent.

I really can't believe I almost called someone an asshole on the Internet tonight.  Someone I don't know.  Someone I have never met and will never meet.  Someone whose opinion is of absolutely no consequence to my life.

But he was an asshole.  And by the time I "walked away" from the situation, I was incensed - and angry.  And here's the thing - I was JUSTIFIABLY angry at this man, because he was an asshole.  

What was this man doing all this time?  Did he CARE that I thought he was an asshole (heck, he didn't even seem to care that he WAS an asshole)?  I'm guessing he was sound asleep, wrapped in a blanket, probably dreaming of how much money he could win if the Patriots beat the 4 1/2 point spread.  I, on the other hand, was tense and anxious - my stomach in knots over my totally rational anger at this man for being so very ignorant and nasty.

My point, and yes, I have one - is that I was about to be unkind to someone I'd never met.

And then I went back to my own "wall," where I had posted a status about a celebrity's apparent suicide.  And the comments following it - from MY friends - were unkind - about someone they'd never met.

A man committed a crime.  Before he could be sentenced, he committed suicide - leaving behind a family, including a mother, who I can pretty much guarantee you would not only rather attend her son's sentencing than his funeral, but is probably inconsolable with guilt and grief - over his crime, his pain, and his choice to end his life.  We're mothers.  It's ALWAYS our fault.

And yet, no empathy for the parents.  No "this man must have been in some severe pain to not only commit the crime he did, but also to end his own life." Just an immediate metaphorical jump to "good riddance."  Unkind, cruel, sarcastic, snarky, and mean words - words this man cannot see, being dead, and words that offer no comfort to his family - or any mother reading them who may have had to deal with the death or suicide of a child or their child committing a crime.  And here's a newsflash - while  his suicide MAY have brought some comfort to the victims OF his crime (and even that's questionable), the unkind words from strangers on the Internet did not.

People have told me frequently that putting negative energy out into the world brings negative energy back to you.  As an angry and volatile person, consistently bound and determined to WIN, to make other people SEE, I have often found myself at an impasse.  Even before the Internet, to me, being right was ALWAYS more important than being kind. 

I think of some of the comments I see (and even say) regularly.  "I hate people."  Really?  We HATE people?  We live in a world full of them.  How unhappy are we if, as a blanket statement, we can say we HATE them?  People say the word "love" is overused.  "I love my job."  "I love shrimp."  We say "I love you" too often, I'm told.  But how often do we say we "hate" something?  How many kinder ways can we say something displeases us without saying we "hate" it?  I say "I love you" every time I hang up the phone with my husband, my sister, my children, and my best friend.  Every single time.  Because why the hell does it diminish the word "love" by using it a lot?  Isn't the idea to spread it around?

As many of you know, I have been having a lot of unexplainable health issues lately.  How many of them can be attributed to the stress and anxiety I feel over things on social media that have nothing to do with me?  How many of my headaches are actually caused by my gritting my teeth when someone says something I consider to be ridiculous - or inaccurate?  How many times do I "get into it" with someone to whom I have shown proof of my position - or from whom I have asked for proof of theirs - resorting to throwing up link after link "proving my point."  

So - in an effort to reclaim my own sanity, I am deactivating my Facebook account for Lent.  I will be deleting Messenger from my phone as well and will not be available through either of those platforms from February 14-April 1.

I'm not telling anyone this because I want attention or someone to ask me "not to go away."  There are people who use this as their only method to communicate with me.  If you are one of these people and do not have my personal email and/or cell number, please reach out to me, via Facebook, BEFORE February 14, and I will send it to you.   I will still be accessible through email, the University, my phone, Joe, Instagram, and the occasional carrier pigeon.  I rarely, if ever, Tweet, and I do not get notifications from Twitter, so indirectly, I'm giving that up as well.

But I'm doing this for me and for my own self-care. And believe me - it's not the political discussions, the actual facts and statistics, the news articles, or the very many rational arguments I see among people that care about how they impact others.  I love when a discussion takes place on a friend's wall that ends with that friend thanking us all for participating and having civil, if not in agreement, discourse.

But that is happening rarely - and unfortunately, in a country that is so polarized and divided, so angry, with everyone - everyone - feeling such feelings of betrayal from politicians, entertainers, even their own friends or family - it is impossible to be on social media without seeing the unkindness, particularly in a society that honors schadenfreude.

Make no mistake, I am so far from perfect it's not funny, and I suspect I will be standing over the computer at 11:30 on March 31, anxiously awaiting the stroke of midnight so I can once again be entertained by all of you and posting pictures from my phone over the previous 46 days  However, it is my hope that I will fill the time in this six weeks that I normally spend in the black hole of arguments with strangers with productive things. I have a list, but that's not important.  What I WILL work on spending my time doing is being kind.  In all I say and do.  Call it the Golden Rule, call it Jesus's commandment, the Ten Commandments, karma, doing the next right thing - whatever you want to call it, it is my hope that, at the end of this time, I will be a nicer person.  To everyone.

I leave you with this blog I found - I was looking for the exact quote, and I found it interesting that it was not a directive, but rather an observation - not "go and do such and such," but "when you do such and such, you are CHOOSING to be kind."  Choose to be kind. 

And overused or not - I love you all.  Peace.    

PS - the conversation from last night?  I chose not to engage any longer.  I did NOT call him an asshole.

When given the choice between being right and being kind, always choose kind

My Thoughts - A Year Later

Well then...

The "firsts"...the firsts are always the hardest.  The first "them" day (Mother's Day, Father's Day, etc.).  The first of their birthdays, your birthdays, the first Christmas - Thanksgiving.

Thanksgiving this year hit me hard at one point...my sister is one of the houses we rotate to on Thanksgiving, usually getting their every 2-3 years.  Generally, at the end of the day, Mom and I would be at the table in the kitchen - Toni would be making coffee or finishing cleaning up, and we'd all be having a conversation...often with TJ or Caila in the room as well.  I can see that memory as if it were happening right now.  This Thanksgiving, it was a wave.  It only lasted a second, but I walked into the kitchen, and the chair where Mom usually sat was empty.  And it hit me.  For the 10,000 time.  I don't have my Mom anymore.

Then you come to the first anniversary.   The day.  If you're me, you wake up at 3:30 in the morning fidgety and nervous, and you don't know why.  After surfing the web for a while, it hits you.

I woke up in my hotel room that morning with a dread in my heart.  My sister had told me the night before that the end was near, and I was really just waiting.  At a convention for my diocese, my plan was to leave Cherry Hill and drive immediately to Allentown to spend what we believed were going to be my mother's last moments with her.

I didn't get that chance.  At breakfast that morning, I got a text from my sister - "Call me." - She had been trying to call me and had also called my husband, who was with me in the hotel.  I left the breakfast to call her back, and she told me Mom had left us.  My insides crashed.  The reality of the past 19 days hit me like a brick.  I no longer had a mother.

To my benefit, I was surrounded by hundreds of loving people, many of them clergy.  As I left the breakfast, I immediately ran into two priests I know very well.  As if I had no control over my own voice, I said "I'm sorry, gentlemen, I just found out my mother died."  They stopped their conversation immediately, put their arms around me, and prayed.  Then I found my parish priest, who also stopped what he was doing to pray with me.  I walked around that hotel soaking up as much prayer as I could - I figured I was there, and I was going to take advantage of it.  Yes, I do believe things happen for a reason, and I was there when I got this news because I was supposed to be there.

I packed my things, left the convention, and began the process we begin when a loved one dies.  And then, eventually, begin the process of grieving.  Which has taken on a much different view than I thought it would.  Because I never imagined I would miss my mother as much as I have.  I could not have begun to think it would be this hard.

My mother was an amazing woman.  A fact I did not share with her often enough.  She was proud of her daughters.  She was proud of her grandchildren.  She couldn't talk about them - or her great granddaughter - enough.  My mother was not a wealthy woman.  Every year, at Christmas or our birthdays, she would give us a check or a gift card for some small but appreciative amount.  That gift always came with an apology that it wasn't more.  No matter how many times we told her it didn't matter, she apologized.  I have a gift card in my wallet that I refuse to spend.

My mother was sober for 37 years.  THIRTY-SEVEN YEARS.  From July 1 (or 2, I can never remember which), 1979, until March 5, 2016, my mother did not take - one - drink.  I am in awe.  I am very, very much in awe.

She graduated from college at 60.  Believe me, that's no small feat.  I may "beat" her by a semester or two, but it's just as likely that I will graduate in the year I turn 60 - that's for you, Mom.

It was very rare that my mother would miss a show one of my kids was in. She pretty much came to every show - driving from Allentown to wherever they performed.  She once drove 83 miles - from Allentown to Linden - at night - to see Jared in a show, and then, after the show, at 11 or so, she drove back to Allentown.  She was probably in her early to mid 60's at the time.  I often share this funny story about mom - Tyler had created a fake bio for a show he did at one point, listing nonexistent or ridiculous roles like "Blanche Hudson in the Musical Whateever Happened to Baby Jane?" - all fake.  When the show ended, my mom came out of the theater livid.  "Why haven't I seen any of these shows?  Why didn't you tell me he did these?"  It took me five minutes to convince her that they were fake, and Tyler didn't have a completely incognito theater life we weren't sharing with her.  By the way, at one point, Tyler started referring to her as "G$."  No idea why, no particular reference, but she thought it was cute.

We did not have the closest of relationships, although toward the end, I was making a small (definitely too small) effort to change that.  Her hearing made conversations difficult (thanks oh wonderful health care that doesn't pay for decent hearing aids), but I had begun emailing and texting her just to say hello...again - not often enough.  She appreciated and enjoyed these small efforts, I'm sure.

Based on geographic proximity, and the difference in our relationships with Mom, it was my sister that was the "base" for my mother.  When she got sick, it was Toni that took over pretty much everything.  Researching health options, filing paperwork.  Without my sister, I would have been lost, because I didn't even know what needed to be done, much less how to do it.  She worked tirelessly, all the time giving my mother the physical attention she needed (as did my niece and nephew), as well as handling all the administrative tasks, and for this, I will be eternally grateful.  My mother passed away knowing she was loved and cared for by those she had loved and cared for for years.

During the past year, I have had some accomplishments in my life.  I have also made some bad choices.  The emotions that have been swirling around in my heart and soul have manifested themselves in some positive and some negative ways.  Each time, I am again reminded that this is something I cannot share with my mother - either to feel her pride, or get her advice.  Interestingly, I don't think I asked my mother for advice enough.

I will admit it - I could have been a better daughter.  I SHOULD have been a better daughter.  My mother and I, as a result of my teenage years, had a fracture in our relationship that healed but definitely left a scar.  For me.  Not for her.And unfortunately, that allowed me to distance myself from a woman that wanted nothing more than to show me how much she loved me.  She never loved me less, and she held no grudges or bad feelings.

But this morning, waking up anxious and nervous, and needing to write this down, I realize something.  It's okay. It's really okay.  Because she is here...in my heart and soul.  I can feel her pride when I look at my grades.  One of my biggest disappointments will be that my mother won't get to see me graduate from college.  But she knew I was going, and she knew I would do it, and she was proud of me, and I will finish on a high note in her honor.  A friend told me yesterday that my job was to finish school and honor my mother's legacy - and so I shall.

I don't write this so I can garner sympathy.  "Don't worry, she knew you loved her."  I know she did.  "You were a good daughter."  Yes, I was - but I could have been better.  "Don't beat yourself up over it."  I'm not - at least I'm beginning not to anymore.  But I can make better choices NOW - going forward in life in a way that will make my mother proud.

There is no more opportunity for me to be a "better daughter."  But I can be a better mother, a better wife, a better sister, a better friend, a better Christian - a better person overall.  And I can do it knowing that, somewhere, somehow, she knows - and will be proud.

But by all means, let's talk about Brangelina

I have been thinking of "resurrecting" the blog for months.  Different subjects have run through my mind - my mother, my journey to Hogwarts, Donald Trump.  I start, and then something gets in the way (usually homework), and I end up leaving it in "blog draft" status.  This was not a subject about which I felt it was important to blog about, and it never occurred to me that when I finally did publish one of my "new" blogs, it would be about this.  But as time goes on, I realize how very strongly I feel about this.

Rather than try to regurgitate my knowledge of events, I am including the following paragraph, which was procured from the Wikipedia entry for Colin Kaepernick:

National anthem protest

Before a preseason game in 2016, Kaepernick sat down, as opposed to the tradition of standing, during the playing of the United States National Anthem. During a post-game interview he explained his position stating, "I am not going to stand up to show pride in a flag for a country that oppresses black people and people of color. To me, this is bigger than football and it would be selfish on my part to look the other way. There are bodies in the street and people getting paid leave and getting away with murder", referencing a series of events that led to the Black Lives Matter movement and adding that he would continue to protest until he feels like "[the American flag] represents what it’s supposed to represent”.^[45] The 49ers released a statement respecting Kaepernick's right to protest.^[45][46][47] In the 49ers' final 2016 preseason game on September 1, 2016, Kaepernick opted to kneel during the U.S. national anthem rather than sit as he did in their previous games. He explained his decision to switch was an attempt to show more respect to former and current U.S. military members while still protesting the anthem after having a conversation with former NFL player and U.S. military veteran Nate Boyer.^[48]

So let's see.  Kaepernick feels that people of color are being discriminated against in the US today (a reasonable and fair assessment), and in a manner of bringing attention to the matter, he chose to shoot someone?  No...that's not it.  Umm...he chose to go looting?  No.  Turn to drugs?  Don't think so.  Oh, wait.  I know what it was.  He sat down during the National Anthem.  In a preseason game.

Now - the following is, in reality, only my opinion, but it's a strong one.  I watch football, and baseball, quite often.  I am aware that watching it on television is not the same as being there live, but let's be completely honest - during the National Anthem, most of us are either flipping channels, getting a beer, going to the bathroom, outside smoking a cigarette, or putting more sweet and sour meatballs on our plates.  In my experience, the only people actually watching the National Anthem are theater people, and that's only so they can go on social media and trash whoever sang it.

But that's neither here nor there.  What IS here AND there is that people are quite upset that Colin Kaepernick chose to do this.  Let's see.  There's the "He is showing no respect for the military" line, the "He's just trying to get attention" line, and my personal favorite, "there are other ways he could have protested."  Sure - what would you suggest?  By all means, let's ask those against whom he is protesting what method THEY would prefer.  Perhaps a note?  "You are cordially invited to stop treating us like lower class citizens?"  I mean, come on, people.  IT WAS A PROTEST.  It's supposed to make us uncomfortable.  Do you think sending Ruby Bridges walking into that school made people comfortable?  Even people who supported her were uncomfortable.  Protests are supposed to bring attention to issues that are not being given proper attention.  So Kaepernick chose this as his method of protest.  This was his bus, and he wasn't getting off of it.

So - he is disrespecting the military - well, obviously he's not, because he spoke to a teammate who was in the military and deliberately changed his behavior.  So he is trying, at least, to show respect for the military, while at the same time making his statement.  Also, I'm confused. Did our forefathers only fight for our freedom of speech if we're saying something the majority wants to hear?  The military fought - and died - for our RIGHT TO STAND OR SIT during the Pledge, during the Anthem, or any other damn time we choose.  Please don't get me involved in a debate about the US Constitution.  You will not win.

"He's just trying to get attention."  Um...yeah.  I mean, he doesn't need to do it to get attention for himself.  He led the 49ers to their first Super Bowl since 1994.  He's a damn good quarterback. He gets plenty of attention just doing his job.  Clearly he was trying to get attention for something else.  Again, I'm confused.  In my eyes, Kaepernick did everything you're supposed to do if you're going to be an activist and bring attention to a subject.  He was peaceful, quiet, nonviolent, and when asked, had a rational and logical reason for doing what he did.  And yet, we're still not happy.  Evidently we just want people of color to shut up and deal with life the way it is.

In 1980, 66 countries, including the United States, boycotted the Summer Olympics in protest of the Soviet Union's invasion of (ironically enough) Afghanistan.  It was hardly a quiet protest, although it was not violent.  Did we not show disrespect to those athletes that trained for years with the hope and plan of representing the United States in the Olympics?  Could there not have been a better way for us to protest?  Were we doing it just for attention?

In 1996, my son's schoolteachers went on strike for a week.  It so happened that it was a year when we ALSO lost a lot of days due to snow, ice, and various other issues, resulting in the last day of school being something like 11:59 pm on June 30.  The teachers, and their signs, lined up and marched in front of the home of one of the Board of Ed members - someone who (again, ironically) sent his children to parochial school.  Once again, how disrespectful to this man's wife and family!

The point of a protest is to bring awareness of an issue to the forefront of everyone's mind.  It's kind of hard to do that if you constantly have to worry about offending or angering the very entity against which you're protesting.  You can't protest the country's actions without, well, offending the country.  Believe it or not, that's kind of the point.  To say "there are other ways they could have protested" is to say "I am uncomfortable with THIS way" - but in reality, it's not about you, is it?

I realize it's uncomfortable to acknowledge that, as the default race, we experience life from a less frightening standpoint.  I can't imagine what it's like to walk into a room and have every single person there immediately make some sort of judgement (either positive or negative) based on the way you look.  Even as a woman, my experience is minimal compared to that of someone of color.  I, of course, want everyone to experience the world the way I do.  When I apply for a loan, I expect to be judged based on my income and credit rating - not the color of my skin.  I barely even worry if I will be judged as a woman (and yes, I am aware that that still happens).  I blissfully float through life in my whiteness, knowing that the whole world recognizes me as the norm...and barely thinking about what is recognized as "not the norm."  With a family that consists of white, black, and Hispanic, I have to backpedal to think about the fact that any one of these could be considered "other."  But those considered "other" don't have to backpedal.  Ever.  Their otherness is there for them - and the entire world - to see.

So what to do?  Well, the first thing we need to do is stop telling people other than ourselves how they should feel and what should or should not offend them  If you are a white person, you have no right telling an African American that someone in blackface shouldn't offend them.  It's not your place.  We need to LISTEN to people.  When they tell us we've offended them, we need to hear that - and understand that - and look at how we can avoid doing that in the future.  This idea of "people are too sensitive" or "get over it" is ridiculous.  You shouldn't have to "get over" someone saying something that offends you.  They just shouldn't say it.

Second - remember that little girl in the car seat?  "Worry about yourself!"  STOP worrying about what other people do in protest of their perceived injustices, whether or not you agree with those perceptions.  If Colin Kaepernick doesn't stand up for the Anthem, it has absolutely no effect on you (and here's a secret - it doesn't affect a single veteran either).  But it MIGHT raise ONE person's awareness to the cause he's addressing.

Thirdly - STOP MAKING IDOLS!  You that are perceived Christians - isn't that a commandment?  What, then, is the flag, if not an idol of the country?  Stop worshipping idols. (On that note, if Lin Manuel-Miranda is reading this, dude, can you try a Bible story next?).

Finally, rather than looking at Kaepernick in horror, listen to what he has to say.  Read.  Research.  People are not being "overly sensitive" or ignoring other issues.  They are quoting real facts, and real statistics.  Keep the dialog going.  Read actual news reports.  Pay attention.

Now - let me address something.  I have the UTMOST respect for police officers.  I cannot imagine a job where every single day brought with it the possibility that I might not survive my shift.  However, as with any other entity, the demographics will generally mimic the demographics in the environment and community; thus, you will have racist people, homophobic people, and other angry and prejudice people on the police force - perhaps fewer, due to psychological examinations, but still some.  At the same time that we have to be wary of categorizing all of any entity as bad, so can we not categorize it all as good.  Read the statistics, listen, and try not to get defensive when the thought hits you that we are more a part of the problem than of the solution.

An unarmed black man was shot and killed in Oklahoma yesterday.  Two weeks ago, a blond haired, blue eyed college student was released from prison after 3 months - after serving half his sentence - which he got for raping someone.  You tell me there isn't a problem.

But by all means, let's discuss Brangelina.

Why Dharun Ravi's Sentence is Appropriate

For anyone who has been living under a rock for the past two years, please Google either Dharun Ravi, Tyler Clementi, or both - you will then be able to read transcripts of the trial, the exact crimes for which Ravi was convicted, the evidence, and the sentencing.  Please avoid blogs and comments at the ends of articles, as they tend to be, like the blog you're currently reading, skewed to the personalities and opinions of the writers. 

OK - so today Ravi was sentenced - 30 days in jail, 300 hours of community service, $10,000 fine, and 3 years probation.  There are many who believe this sentence is not strong enough, and still others who are shocked that I think the sentence is appropriate.

There are reasons I believe this sentence fair and reasonable, and I am going to list them here in an attempt to answer the questions I've been asked - as well as proactively answer the questions I MAY be asked.  Comments are welcome, opinions are respected (even if they don't agree with mine); however, I respectfully ask that you not resort to name calling, insults, cruelty, or, in fact, the very bullying of which Ravi is guilty.  Comments like that will be deleted.  Otherwise, discussion is key.  Much is learned from discussion.  Also - I will not respond to any commentary that makes it obvious you didn't actually READ what I wrote.  For many reasons, I am no longer arguing with people that either quote me incorrectly or skim what I write and then make judgments on it.

The one thing I want made clear here is my opinion of Dharun Ravi's actions - they were despicable.  In fact, they still ARE despicable - his lack of remorse makes me want to smack him upside the head.  Well, it really makes me want to smack his parents - because come on - over the course of the past two years, you haven't instructed him to at least ACT like he's sorry?   His actions were criminal, and vicious, and malicious.  I don't CARE that he was only 18, or that it was considered a college "prank."  You don't need to be an adult to be malicious.  I dealt with malicious kids as a victim of bullying my whole life - from kindergarten...at six, kids know how to be vicious to each other.

Regardless of what "went down" (I don't care if MB was 30, or 45, or if Tyler asked for the room 850 times), Ravi had NO RIGHT to set the webcam up in his room - none.  If he felt his room was being misused, or his friendship being abused, he had the right to follow proper protocol - like everyone else (and like Clementi TRIED to do).  That being said, I do not think spending any more time in jail than the 30 days he's been sentenced will do any good.

Now - why do I feel this is appropriate?  Here we go...

1.  Ravi's hatred and bias are, in my opinion, while based significantly on Clementi's sexuality as they are on his "difference."  Ravi, as opposed to being a homophobe, is a pretentious little piece of shit who thinks he's better than EVERYONE else - gay or straight.  If you research the situation carefully, you will find that Ravi behaved reprehensibly not only about Tyler's sexuality, but also about his economic status, his shyness, his willingness to post on a gay website, etc.  He was "different." In fact, Ravi is quoted as making disdainful remarks about Clementi because of the car he drove, the fact that he played the violin (calling him "retarded') before he ever mentioned that he thought Clementi was gay.  As the mother of the "other" Tyler (Ravi emailed MY Tyler, who was 18, going into Rutgers, and gay - and had the middle initial C - thinking HE was his roommate), I know that Ravi made comments about my son being gay - but also made comments about him being popular and having "hot girl friends" (this all comes from an article in The New Yorker from February 2012).  Ravi thought he was better than anyone.  He didn't like Clementi not only because he was gay - but also because he was "not cool" - or "different." 

My point is this - as opposed to being a "hardened criminal," Ravi is an obnoxious little jerk who got caught playing his little "Rutgersgate" game.  As I've said before (and will probably say more than once in this blog), had Clementi NOT committed suicide, no one outside of Rutgers would have known about this.  Yes, this is a crime - and yes, Ravi needs to be punished...but putting him in jail for a year or two will not "teach him a lesson," and it will not "knock some sense into him."  

2.  No matter which way you slice it, Ravi did NOT cause Clementi's suicide.  Could it have contributed?  Of course...and it may have, in fact, been the last straw.  I am not saying anywhere here that I don't believe Ravi's actions caused NO harm to Clementi, but the truth is, Tyler was a troubled young man that needed help, and in all honesty, someone that jumps off the George Washington Bridge has either given some thought to suicide before or feels so helpless that Ravi's actions, while deplorable, did little to sway him either way.  According to the reports I've read, Tyler came out to his parents the week before he left for college - only to receive a less than enthusiastic response from his mother.  As a mother AND a daughter, I can pretty much attest that that action alone would have more of a debilitating affect on him than Ravi's actions.  While his mother's response may be understandable to some, it does not change the fact that this young man was rejected by the very person that is supposed to love him unconditionally, no matter what.

My point here is not that Ravi's actions don't deserve punishment - my point is that there are several people that are basing their desire for more severe punishment on the fact that a troubled young boy lost his life.  While that definitely is a consideration of our perception of his actions, we also have to keep in mind that it was NOT a consideration of the case - not the charges, or the verdict, or the sentencing.  No matter how we feel personally, the punishment really does have to fit the ACTUAL crime - not the perceived crime.  If you set fire to my house, and I'm in it, and I die, you can be charged with murder.  If you set fire to my house, and I'm NOT in it, but when I come home I freak out and overdose on sleeping pills because I can't handle the fact that my house is gone, while we may emotionally want to hold you responsible for my murder, legally, you are not.

Again, I reiterate - had he not killed himself, this would NOT have made national news.  This crime, in and of itself, would have been a small blip on the radar of the media.  I am horribly sorry for Clementi's parents - particularly if the repots of his mother's rejection are true, as she will have to live with that the rest of her life - but Dharun did NOT push him off that bridge...yet he is being held responsible for it - however indirectly.

3.  The text messages and instant messages that were used as evidence would never have been brought up had the webcam incident not happened.   Let's face it - those of us that have children in this age range...we have no idea what our children are saying in their instant messages and/or text messages to each other.  We'd all like to believe that we've raised our children to believe that bullying is wrong, but in those cases, they may not feel they're bullying.  Talking to a friend about how ugly you think someone is may not, in your opinion, qualify as bullying.  How many of US have said things in emails, or text messages, which if they were brought up as evidence in court, could condemn us?

Remember that, had this not hit the media, Ravi's instant message conversations never would have been revealed...once he got stupid with the webcam, he sealed his fate (not to mention the idiocy of trying to delete the stuff after the fact). These messages would have just fallen into the archives of "stupid things our kids say to each other over the internet."

Am I saying what he wrote/said to his friends is OK?  Not at all...again, it's malicious, nasty, and definitely reeks of homophobia.  But it's probably nothing that different from what any one of our kids has said to one of their friends, thinking they were speaking privately.  

4.  This is a "teachable moment" - an instance where using a method other than incarceration may actually have a more positive effect.  The man got 300 hours of community service (by the way, this is the ONLY part of the sentencing with which I disagree...I would have given him at least 1,000).  Put those 300 hours to good use.  Don't bother giving him a stick to pick up garbage (unless, of course, you can guarantee litter-throwing spitters driving past).  Put him to work in the Pride Center.  Make him volunteer at a homeless shelter.  Have him tutor urban children.  Make him mentor a kid who's being targeted by gangs.  Train him on a suicide hotline. Give him something PRODUCTIVE to do.  By all accounts, Ravi is an intelligent, technologically savvy young man who can be put to good use - while at the same time, forcing him to spend long bouts of time with those people to whom he believes himself superior. In fact, I'd make his whole FAMILY do something like that - because obviously, they raised him to think this kind of behavior is appropriate.  Put him in situations where he can see that he's no better than anyone else.  Let him see, first hand, other people's suffering. 

Force him to participate in an anti-bullying campaign for schools.  Have him (embarrassingly) tell his story to high school seniors before graduation so they know how NOT to behave.  Mandate that he give 10 percent of his salary for the rest of his life to LGBT rights.  Just make it something that in some way relates back to what he's done.  The problem here is that he still doesn't think he did anything WRONG.  He has to see the pain and suffering what he did has caused before he can begin to learn anything by it.  And at this point, the only suggestion I have to that is that he actually be among them...the bullied, the downtrodden, the poor, and other bullied communities. Not bullied by hardened criminals in prison.

5.  Incarceration does nothing, in my opinion, other than deter that criminal from acting again.  It does not rehabilitate anyone.  I doubt you will see Ravi commit this crime again, because he's not an idiot.  No one wants to go through this twice (plus if he did, he'd surely face deportation - which he has mercifully managed to avoid).  On the other hand, putting him in jail is not going to teach him anything, and when he gets out, we will have another mean, hardened criminal on our hands that we helped create. 

What he's going to see in prison is child molesters, murderers, people guilty of larceny, prostitution, what Ravi would consider (and let's face it, what a lot of SOCIETY would consider) "real" criminals, as opposed to him.  By placing him in this environment for an extended period of time, he will get angrier at society for putting him where he doesn't feel he belongs (look at THEM!  They're thugs, and criminals, and dirty, and gross, and low class - they're not like ME), and the things he's going to learn will help him survive in jail, but not necessarily in the real world, where he will eventually have to exist.  To do this to him would simply be to give up on his rehabilitation and sacrifice him to criminal society...something many would accept, being as that is apparently what Ravi did to Tyler Clementi...but I'd like to think we, as a society, are better than that.  Thirty days of having to go to the bathroom in front of people will most likely show Ravi how a life of crime could not necessarily work out in his favor - and perhaps showing tolerance and acceptance of those other than oneself would be more conducive to his success in society.

Please keep in mind that Ravi is NOT an economically disadvantaged young man.  He did not live in a low-income area, he did not live in a "big city" or urban area, he lived in the suburbs, very comfortably, with his middle to upper-middle class family.  By standards, he went to a better school than my children did (yet neither of THEM would think to do something like this - go figure).  Even 24 HOURS in jail is going to be a major shock to him.  Thirty days will, in my opinion, teach him the lesson he needs about how lousy incarceration can be (I wouldn't mind a little "Scared Straight" going on here either).

Let's also keep in mind that WE have to pay to keep him in jail - and that's a waste of my tax dollars.

6.  The $10,000 "probation fee" should go to anti-bullying programs for students - particularly in the area of LGBT rights.  I don't need to say more about this - this is what should happen to it.

So essentially, I think they did what they thought was fair.  Everyone should shut up and go home now, because they've wasted enough of our time and taxpayer money on this.  The point has been made.  

To anyone that thinks I'm too easy on Ravi or not sensitive to gay rights, please see the blog I wrote right after Tyler Clementi committed suicide, condemning Ravi's parents for raising a child who would believe - at 18 years old - that such behavior was in any way acceptable.  In my home, bullying is right up there with stealing - you don't do it - ever - to anyone.  

I realize many think I should, or thought I would, embrace "lock him up and throw away the key!" mentality, I think, in this case, the punishment fits the crime...I think he will be taught a lesson that he won't soon forget.

Part of the problem is that society has not caught up with the abilities and knowledge that allow us to take our evil deeds over the internet.  Until that happens, we're always going to be one step behind the bullies - like we're one step behind the hackers and identity thieves.

ALL that being said, I will say that I don't know how I feel about the fact that they're not deporting him.  It seems it matters that you follow legal channels to get INTO this country, but once you're here legally, anything goes.

Peace.

A VERY Simplistic View of Stereotype

Before anyone attempt to criticize, please understand that this is a VERY simplistic statement of my life. It is not, in any way, an attempt to justify racism, explain racism, justify my own racist tendencies, or sway anyone's opinion. It is simply an essay I wrote in application of a fellowship (which I may or may not receive), and I thought, in light of today's commentary on my facebook, I would share it with you:

“I’m not prejudiced. I have (black, queer, Latino, gay, disabled…insert word here) friends.” Throughout my life, I have never considered myself to be racist, or a bigot. I’ve tirelessly verbalized my belief for equal treatment. At this point, in my 50’s, I have two gay sons, one gay nephew, a black brother-in-law (which also brought black nieces, nephews, grand-nieces, etc.), and Puerto Rican boyfriend. For crying out loud, no one is more diverse than I am! I have a pink triangle on the door of my office letting everyone know it’s a “safe” zone, so in actuality, I could not be racist…or could I?

As I complete my first 30 credits as an undergraduate, I am attempting to fulfill all my “required” courses. My initial plan, to major in Criminal Justice and/or Political Science, led me to take “Nature of Politics” in the fall. During that class, I was forced to think about my various views on life – or existence. Wanting to finish up my requirements, I needed social science and diversity courses. I opted to take “Introduction to Latino Studies.” Being in a relationship with a Latino man (and by default, a Latino family), I felt it would be interesting to learn more about his culture, while at the same time, completing a requirement and learning some history. From the moment I stepped into the classroom, it became apparent that, despite my protestations, I absolutely did carry some pre-conceived notions about those who were different from me. These notions were shattered as I began to learn more about the reasons various Latino immigrants had chosen to come to America, the difficulties they faced in getting here, and the unwelcome (and often resentful) response they received upon arriving. Learning about people who emigrated from Mexico, Cuba, Puerto Rico, the Dominican Republic, etc., I found myself with a new and uncomfortable understanding of the difficulties that face cultures different from my own.

During this class, I was required to give a presentation on one of the readings. I chose a reading by Dr. Carlos Decena, which consisted of an excerpt from his book, regarding Dominican men who were HIV positive. I found the article fascinating, and my presentation earned me an “A.” The next day, I found out that Dr. Decena is a professor at Rutgers, and I immediately emailed him to tell him how much I’d liked his article, and I asked him what courses he taught. I had found the Intro to Latino Studies class fascinating, and I was beginning to think I may want to pursue it as a major or minor.

Dr. Decena emailed me back immediately to tell me he’d be teaching Women, Culture, and Society this summer. Since this fulfilled a diversity requirement, and since I recently came to the realization that I would have to take summer classes in order to graduate in a timely manner, I decided to take Dr. Decena’s course. Once again, my cage was rattled, as the first question asked of the class was “Are you a feminist? And why or why not?”

In trying to grapple with this very difficult question, I once again found myself deep in thought about social issues that I thought I understood. Sexism, racism, ageism, all were discussed in the class, and each day, the questions and discussions asked forced us to rethink our very comfortable positions in life.

Between the Intro to Latino Studies and Women, Culture, and Society classes, I came to terms with my pre-conceived notions of what people were – and how they should behave. The classes have taught me not to take anything for granted, and not to ascribe to stereotypes involving gender, race, or other traits. While I believed, in my heart, that I was a non-discriminating and unbiased person, it became apparent that I had ideas and thoughts that were not only unfair, but, in many cases, incorrect.

I have found this “late in life” education to have had a profound impact on my personal interactions. I am more open with people that are different than I am, and I am more sensitive to the personal struggles they have had to endure to reach their places in life. When interacting with my boyfriend, my brother-in-law, or other people that society considers different from me, I am more likely to understand some of the differences in behavior, and more likely to appreciate a different culture. I am more careful about making (even silently) global statements about a particular faction of society, as I’ve come to realize that not only are most of them not true, many are based in a fear of the unknown. Not only am I being more careful about what I say, but I’m also more apt to comment to someone else’s acceptance of a stereotype…thereby attempting to put a damper on a discriminating remark. While I’ve always done this where my personal life was affected, I am now attempting to do it for everyone. In other words, I am trying to no longer participate in “active” racism.

In addition to the self-thought and the impact on my life that these courses have given me, they have also stirred in me a motivation to examine them further...even to the point of looking for a major that will combine my newfound understanding with my personal desire for social justice.

I chose this situation, above all others, because it had a significant impact on my life. At this stage in life, I felt that my desire for a college diploma was not motivated, necessarily, by trying to bring anything more into the world. Knowing I would be at an advanced age by the time I graduated, I had accepted that it was a personal challenge to get the diploma, and I was looking for majors and/or subjects that were interesting to me, as opposed to those that would help me achieve anything on a professional level. These past two semesters have changed that. I am now highly motivated to find a path that allows me to pursue my desire of a college education AND allow me to work in some way toward social justice – whether it be at the University, in my town, or in the world.

WHO RAISED THESE KIDS?????

I've read - consistently - over the past two days - the horrible situation involving Tyler Clementi.

For those of you who don't know, a quick search on nj.com will tell you the whole story, but basically, this young college freshman was the recipient of seriously evil bullying. Two of his Class of 2014 classmates, Molly Wei and Dharun Ravi, chose to humiliate this poor boy by videotaping him having sex and broadcasting it on ichat. Yesterday (or the day before), Mr. Clementi's car, computer, and cell phone were found near the GW Bridge. He is presumed to have jumped from the bridge and committed suicide. Googling any of the three names will bring you more details. This comes in the wake of the young high school freshman who hanged himself after being called a "fag" one too many times - and Andrew Shirvell (an Assistant Attorney General, for crying out loud) and his horrifying blog against Chris Armstrong.

Here's where I diverge from the "norm" in my opinion, and here's where the friends of my own generation are probably going to disagree with me. While all three of these incidents involves gay males, and while I, being the parent of two gay boys, most definitely see the need for education and tolerance toward the gay community, I do not believe these issues are about about homosexuality. Rather, homosexuality being the hot topic of the era, as opposed to gender equality (when I was growing up) or racial equality, homosexuals have become the most recent victims of a culture that has existed since the beginning of time - BULLIES.

Don't get me wrong - homosexuals have always been persecuted...and are still persecuted today. Being of scientific mind, I believe sexuality is a genetic trait, and as such, I do not believe I, or you, or anyone else has the right to condemn someone for being homosexual. I don't believe gay marriage threatens the sanctity of marriage at all (hell, I got divorced...and my marriage was decidedly heterosexual...in fact, the divorce rate, at almost 50%, is ALL heterosexual). Allowing gays to marry won't create a gateway for sex and marriage with goats - NOR will it create more gay children. There are THREE gay young men in my family - all three of them born of heterosexual parents...explain THAT.

There are many people - even friends of mine - that do not agree with me. That's their right. None of them, however, would be ok with their children doing what Wei and Ravi did. None of them would be ok with their kids doing what was done to Matthew Shepard. I have several friends who oppose gay marriage - yet I firmly believe that, if any one of them received a call from school indicating their child had participated in humiliation of a gay classmate, they'd suffer severe wrath. Because while they are raising their children with THEIR opinions, they are also raising them with another very important trait - RESPECT...for themselves, for other humans, and for the world around them.

There were bullies when I was in school. I was often the victim of them. Girls who thought they were "cool" would paint nasty words on your locker...or knock your books out of your hand as you walked past...or pass notes with ugly drawings of you. There were places where it was even worse. Polaroid cameras allowed us to take humiliating pictures of our friends and post them up on bulletin boards. REAL bulletin boards...not cyber bulletin boards.

Now - our horror can be much more far reaching. The invention of the camera phone (many with video capabilities) allowed us to snap embarrassing pictures of our "friends" without them knowing and publish them anywhere - or send them to everyone on our "picture messaging" list. The hit series Gossip Girl focuses on the ability to humiliate each other with the touch of a "send" button. Video chat, digital imagery, video games - all have desensitized an entire generation to the concept of humanity...acting before we know the consequences, we can cause so much damage in so little time.

None of this would happen if WE, as the PARENTS, didn't allow it. There are nasty comments all over the internet about Wei and Ravi - how awful they are, how they should get the book thrown at them...yet I see very few comments asking where their parents were when they were raised to believe that bullying - ANY bullying - is funny, ok, or acceptable?

A boy calls another boy a name. Boy goes to parents upset. Parents call other boy's parents. Then they hear "Well, you know, boys will be boys." No. NO. NO. This is NOT OK. We have a responsibility, as parents, to raise our children to be decent human beings. If your 18 year old kid does something like this, I am going to blame you (note - if your 30 year old kid does it, it's his fault - that's old enough to have realized your parents raised you wrong and get some awareness - but at 18, you are a product of your parents). As a parent, YOU DID SOMETHING WRONG - maybe you bullied your own kids into obedience. Parents calling a child "worthless" is not uncommon - disgusting, but not uncommon. Maybe your kids saw you laughing at someone else's misfortune. More likely, your kids observed you do nothing when someone was being bullied in some way. THIS TELLS THEM IT'S OK.

Much has been said about Wei and Ravi's ethnic backgrounds, indicating that they should be "more" tolerant of homosexuality because they are from non-traditional ethnic backgrounds. Really? Do we REALLY THINK THIS? The truth is, if it weren't gays, it would be someone else. These kids believed that publicly humiliating someone was funny - regardless of what that someone was doing, or who that someone was. Funny. Like haha funny. Like "look at that guy having sex with another guy/picking his nose/masturbating/going through his roommate's drawers" funny. And yes, I realize that being videotaped/broadcast having sex is FAR worse than picking your nose, the point is that it was public humliation - and these wastes of space thought it was FUNNY.

I watched Schindler's List with Jared when he was nine years old. I wanted him to SEE - even then - the horror of what one human being can cause another. I wanted him to know it was wrong. When Matthew Shepard died, I made sure they knew - and why. Yes, we've watched Mean Girls - and laughed during it. But my children are WELL aware of what would happen to them should I find out they participated in that sort of behavior...and when they did, they suffered consequences as a result of it.

Our children do not raise themselves, and with very few exceptions, they are not born bad. Molly Wei and Dharun Ravi were not BORN to believe bullying is is a joke. They were raised that way.

Please don't get me wrong - I am not saying these parents raised their kids with a daily dosage of "go out there and bully." What I AM saying is that along the way, they had the opportunity to teach them right and wrong - and they chose not to do so. In most cases, it's more a matter of speaking out against injustice - when you don't, you are teaching your children that injustice is justice. If your child is sitting in a room, and you're talking with a friend, and your friend is ranting about the "dothead" that cut in front of her in the supermarket line, you, as the parent, are obligated to ask your friend not to speak that way in front of your child - or remove your child. Sorry - I know it's uncomfortable...but your primary responsibility here is to raise a child. By saying nothing, your child is learning that speaking that way about a culture is ok - and he's learning that from his parent. Even when he gets to school, and they try to teach him it's wrong, he's not going to get it - because it's ok with his parents.

It's OUR fault, people. WE are the ones who are raising this generation. It's our responsibility to show them that tolerance and acceptance are better than bullying and humiliation. It's our responsibility to speak up - and loudly - when we see injustice...so that our children realize it's happening and that we, as their parents, do not support it (remember - most kids are devastated at the thought that they've disappointed their parents). It's our responsibility to show our children that there are consequences for bullying...and then implement them. We cannot sit back and just say "how could they," because they COULD because we told them it was ok.

I am, of course, not speaking of every parent...I know there are parents who raise their children to be aware, and tolerant, and to believe that bullying of any sort is wrong. But while we absolutely, positively, need to be held accountable for our actions, one of those actions IS raising children. And so, while we are condemning Ravi and Wei for what is truly a heinous act that ended tragically for Tyler Clementi, so should we be condemning their parents, and their grandparents, and their aunts, uncles, neighbors, and anyone else who had contact with them - because they learned this behavior somewhere.

I am very sorry for Tyler Clementi and his family. I am sorry he felt so horrifyingly humiliated that he needed to take his own life. I am sorry his family is going to have to suffer every day for the rest of their lives as they grieve him. But I am sorrier for us - because while the tolerance of homosexuality may increase over time, there will be another "group" that will become the victims of people who feel public humiliation is a right.

And above all, I am thankful that my son has dorm mates and roommates who were raised by decent people.

Rant over.