Why Dharun Ravi's Sentence is Appropriate

For anyone who has been living under a rock for the past two years, please Google either Dharun Ravi, Tyler Clementi, or both - you will then be able to read transcripts of the trial, the exact crimes for which Ravi was convicted, the evidence, and the sentencing.  Please avoid blogs and comments at the ends of articles, as they tend to be, like the blog you're currently reading, skewed to the personalities and opinions of the writers. 

OK - so today Ravi was sentenced - 30 days in jail, 300 hours of community service, $10,000 fine, and 3 years probation.  There are many who believe this sentence is not strong enough, and still others who are shocked that I think the sentence is appropriate.

There are reasons I believe this sentence fair and reasonable, and I am going to list them here in an attempt to answer the questions I've been asked - as well as proactively answer the questions I MAY be asked.  Comments are welcome, opinions are respected (even if they don't agree with mine); however, I respectfully ask that you not resort to name calling, insults, cruelty, or, in fact, the very bullying of which Ravi is guilty.  Comments like that will be deleted.  Otherwise, discussion is key.  Much is learned from discussion.  Also - I will not respond to any commentary that makes it obvious you didn't actually READ what I wrote.  For many reasons, I am no longer arguing with people that either quote me incorrectly or skim what I write and then make judgments on it.

The one thing I want made clear here is my opinion of Dharun Ravi's actions - they were despicable.  In fact, they still ARE despicable - his lack of remorse makes me want to smack him upside the head.  Well, it really makes me want to smack his parents - because come on - over the course of the past two years, you haven't instructed him to at least ACT like he's sorry?   His actions were criminal, and vicious, and malicious.  I don't CARE that he was only 18, or that it was considered a college "prank."  You don't need to be an adult to be malicious.  I dealt with malicious kids as a victim of bullying my whole life - from kindergarten...at six, kids know how to be vicious to each other.

Regardless of what "went down" (I don't care if MB was 30, or 45, or if Tyler asked for the room 850 times), Ravi had NO RIGHT to set the webcam up in his room - none.  If he felt his room was being misused, or his friendship being abused, he had the right to follow proper protocol - like everyone else (and like Clementi TRIED to do).  That being said, I do not think spending any more time in jail than the 30 days he's been sentenced will do any good.

Now - why do I feel this is appropriate?  Here we go...

1.  Ravi's hatred and bias are, in my opinion, while based significantly on Clementi's sexuality as they are on his "difference."  Ravi, as opposed to being a homophobe, is a pretentious little piece of shit who thinks he's better than EVERYONE else - gay or straight.  If you research the situation carefully, you will find that Ravi behaved reprehensibly not only about Tyler's sexuality, but also about his economic status, his shyness, his willingness to post on a gay website, etc.  He was "different." In fact, Ravi is quoted as making disdainful remarks about Clementi because of the car he drove, the fact that he played the violin (calling him "retarded') before he ever mentioned that he thought Clementi was gay.  As the mother of the "other" Tyler (Ravi emailed MY Tyler, who was 18, going into Rutgers, and gay - and had the middle initial C - thinking HE was his roommate), I know that Ravi made comments about my son being gay - but also made comments about him being popular and having "hot girl friends" (this all comes from an article in The New Yorker from February 2012).  Ravi thought he was better than anyone.  He didn't like Clementi not only because he was gay - but also because he was "not cool" - or "different." 

My point is this - as opposed to being a "hardened criminal," Ravi is an obnoxious little jerk who got caught playing his little "Rutgersgate" game.  As I've said before (and will probably say more than once in this blog), had Clementi NOT committed suicide, no one outside of Rutgers would have known about this.  Yes, this is a crime - and yes, Ravi needs to be punished...but putting him in jail for a year or two will not "teach him a lesson," and it will not "knock some sense into him."  

2.  No matter which way you slice it, Ravi did NOT cause Clementi's suicide.  Could it have contributed?  Of course...and it may have, in fact, been the last straw.  I am not saying anywhere here that I don't believe Ravi's actions caused NO harm to Clementi, but the truth is, Tyler was a troubled young man that needed help, and in all honesty, someone that jumps off the George Washington Bridge has either given some thought to suicide before or feels so helpless that Ravi's actions, while deplorable, did little to sway him either way.  According to the reports I've read, Tyler came out to his parents the week before he left for college - only to receive a less than enthusiastic response from his mother.  As a mother AND a daughter, I can pretty much attest that that action alone would have more of a debilitating affect on him than Ravi's actions.  While his mother's response may be understandable to some, it does not change the fact that this young man was rejected by the very person that is supposed to love him unconditionally, no matter what.

My point here is not that Ravi's actions don't deserve punishment - my point is that there are several people that are basing their desire for more severe punishment on the fact that a troubled young boy lost his life.  While that definitely is a consideration of our perception of his actions, we also have to keep in mind that it was NOT a consideration of the case - not the charges, or the verdict, or the sentencing.  No matter how we feel personally, the punishment really does have to fit the ACTUAL crime - not the perceived crime.  If you set fire to my house, and I'm in it, and I die, you can be charged with murder.  If you set fire to my house, and I'm NOT in it, but when I come home I freak out and overdose on sleeping pills because I can't handle the fact that my house is gone, while we may emotionally want to hold you responsible for my murder, legally, you are not.

Again, I reiterate - had he not killed himself, this would NOT have made national news.  This crime, in and of itself, would have been a small blip on the radar of the media.  I am horribly sorry for Clementi's parents - particularly if the repots of his mother's rejection are true, as she will have to live with that the rest of her life - but Dharun did NOT push him off that bridge...yet he is being held responsible for it - however indirectly.

3.  The text messages and instant messages that were used as evidence would never have been brought up had the webcam incident not happened.   Let's face it - those of us that have children in this age range...we have no idea what our children are saying in their instant messages and/or text messages to each other.  We'd all like to believe that we've raised our children to believe that bullying is wrong, but in those cases, they may not feel they're bullying.  Talking to a friend about how ugly you think someone is may not, in your opinion, qualify as bullying.  How many of US have said things in emails, or text messages, which if they were brought up as evidence in court, could condemn us?

Remember that, had this not hit the media, Ravi's instant message conversations never would have been revealed...once he got stupid with the webcam, he sealed his fate (not to mention the idiocy of trying to delete the stuff after the fact). These messages would have just fallen into the archives of "stupid things our kids say to each other over the internet."

Am I saying what he wrote/said to his friends is OK?  Not at all...again, it's malicious, nasty, and definitely reeks of homophobia.  But it's probably nothing that different from what any one of our kids has said to one of their friends, thinking they were speaking privately.  

4.  This is a "teachable moment" - an instance where using a method other than incarceration may actually have a more positive effect.  The man got 300 hours of community service (by the way, this is the ONLY part of the sentencing with which I disagree...I would have given him at least 1,000).  Put those 300 hours to good use.  Don't bother giving him a stick to pick up garbage (unless, of course, you can guarantee litter-throwing spitters driving past).  Put him to work in the Pride Center.  Make him volunteer at a homeless shelter.  Have him tutor urban children.  Make him mentor a kid who's being targeted by gangs.  Train him on a suicide hotline. Give him something PRODUCTIVE to do.  By all accounts, Ravi is an intelligent, technologically savvy young man who can be put to good use - while at the same time, forcing him to spend long bouts of time with those people to whom he believes himself superior. In fact, I'd make his whole FAMILY do something like that - because obviously, they raised him to think this kind of behavior is appropriate.  Put him in situations where he can see that he's no better than anyone else.  Let him see, first hand, other people's suffering. 

Force him to participate in an anti-bullying campaign for schools.  Have him (embarrassingly) tell his story to high school seniors before graduation so they know how NOT to behave.  Mandate that he give 10 percent of his salary for the rest of his life to LGBT rights.  Just make it something that in some way relates back to what he's done.  The problem here is that he still doesn't think he did anything WRONG.  He has to see the pain and suffering what he did has caused before he can begin to learn anything by it.  And at this point, the only suggestion I have to that is that he actually be among them...the bullied, the downtrodden, the poor, and other bullied communities. Not bullied by hardened criminals in prison.

5.  Incarceration does nothing, in my opinion, other than deter that criminal from acting again.  It does not rehabilitate anyone.  I doubt you will see Ravi commit this crime again, because he's not an idiot.  No one wants to go through this twice (plus if he did, he'd surely face deportation - which he has mercifully managed to avoid).  On the other hand, putting him in jail is not going to teach him anything, and when he gets out, we will have another mean, hardened criminal on our hands that we helped create. 

What he's going to see in prison is child molesters, murderers, people guilty of larceny, prostitution, what Ravi would consider (and let's face it, what a lot of SOCIETY would consider) "real" criminals, as opposed to him.  By placing him in this environment for an extended period of time, he will get angrier at society for putting him where he doesn't feel he belongs (look at THEM!  They're thugs, and criminals, and dirty, and gross, and low class - they're not like ME), and the things he's going to learn will help him survive in jail, but not necessarily in the real world, where he will eventually have to exist.  To do this to him would simply be to give up on his rehabilitation and sacrifice him to criminal society...something many would accept, being as that is apparently what Ravi did to Tyler Clementi...but I'd like to think we, as a society, are better than that.  Thirty days of having to go to the bathroom in front of people will most likely show Ravi how a life of crime could not necessarily work out in his favor - and perhaps showing tolerance and acceptance of those other than oneself would be more conducive to his success in society.

Please keep in mind that Ravi is NOT an economically disadvantaged young man.  He did not live in a low-income area, he did not live in a "big city" or urban area, he lived in the suburbs, very comfortably, with his middle to upper-middle class family.  By standards, he went to a better school than my children did (yet neither of THEM would think to do something like this - go figure).  Even 24 HOURS in jail is going to be a major shock to him.  Thirty days will, in my opinion, teach him the lesson he needs about how lousy incarceration can be (I wouldn't mind a little "Scared Straight" going on here either).

Let's also keep in mind that WE have to pay to keep him in jail - and that's a waste of my tax dollars.

6.  The $10,000 "probation fee" should go to anti-bullying programs for students - particularly in the area of LGBT rights.  I don't need to say more about this - this is what should happen to it.

So essentially, I think they did what they thought was fair.  Everyone should shut up and go home now, because they've wasted enough of our time and taxpayer money on this.  The point has been made.  

To anyone that thinks I'm too easy on Ravi or not sensitive to gay rights, please see the blog I wrote right after Tyler Clementi committed suicide, condemning Ravi's parents for raising a child who would believe - at 18 years old - that such behavior was in any way acceptable.  In my home, bullying is right up there with stealing - you don't do it - ever - to anyone.  

I realize many think I should, or thought I would, embrace "lock him up and throw away the key!" mentality, I think, in this case, the punishment fits the crime...I think he will be taught a lesson that he won't soon forget.

Part of the problem is that society has not caught up with the abilities and knowledge that allow us to take our evil deeds over the internet.  Until that happens, we're always going to be one step behind the bullies - like we're one step behind the hackers and identity thieves.

ALL that being said, I will say that I don't know how I feel about the fact that they're not deporting him.  It seems it matters that you follow legal channels to get INTO this country, but once you're here legally, anything goes.

Peace.

WHO RAISED THESE KIDS?????

I've read - consistently - over the past two days - the horrible situation involving Tyler Clementi.

For those of you who don't know, a quick search on nj.com will tell you the whole story, but basically, this young college freshman was the recipient of seriously evil bullying. Two of his Class of 2014 classmates, Molly Wei and Dharun Ravi, chose to humiliate this poor boy by videotaping him having sex and broadcasting it on ichat. Yesterday (or the day before), Mr. Clementi's car, computer, and cell phone were found near the GW Bridge. He is presumed to have jumped from the bridge and committed suicide. Googling any of the three names will bring you more details. This comes in the wake of the young high school freshman who hanged himself after being called a "fag" one too many times - and Andrew Shirvell (an Assistant Attorney General, for crying out loud) and his horrifying blog against Chris Armstrong.

Here's where I diverge from the "norm" in my opinion, and here's where the friends of my own generation are probably going to disagree with me. While all three of these incidents involves gay males, and while I, being the parent of two gay boys, most definitely see the need for education and tolerance toward the gay community, I do not believe these issues are about about homosexuality. Rather, homosexuality being the hot topic of the era, as opposed to gender equality (when I was growing up) or racial equality, homosexuals have become the most recent victims of a culture that has existed since the beginning of time - BULLIES.

Don't get me wrong - homosexuals have always been persecuted...and are still persecuted today. Being of scientific mind, I believe sexuality is a genetic trait, and as such, I do not believe I, or you, or anyone else has the right to condemn someone for being homosexual. I don't believe gay marriage threatens the sanctity of marriage at all (hell, I got divorced...and my marriage was decidedly heterosexual...in fact, the divorce rate, at almost 50%, is ALL heterosexual). Allowing gays to marry won't create a gateway for sex and marriage with goats - NOR will it create more gay children. There are THREE gay young men in my family - all three of them born of heterosexual parents...explain THAT.

There are many people - even friends of mine - that do not agree with me. That's their right. None of them, however, would be ok with their children doing what Wei and Ravi did. None of them would be ok with their kids doing what was done to Matthew Shepard. I have several friends who oppose gay marriage - yet I firmly believe that, if any one of them received a call from school indicating their child had participated in humiliation of a gay classmate, they'd suffer severe wrath. Because while they are raising their children with THEIR opinions, they are also raising them with another very important trait - RESPECT...for themselves, for other humans, and for the world around them.

There were bullies when I was in school. I was often the victim of them. Girls who thought they were "cool" would paint nasty words on your locker...or knock your books out of your hand as you walked past...or pass notes with ugly drawings of you. There were places where it was even worse. Polaroid cameras allowed us to take humiliating pictures of our friends and post them up on bulletin boards. REAL bulletin boards...not cyber bulletin boards.

Now - our horror can be much more far reaching. The invention of the camera phone (many with video capabilities) allowed us to snap embarrassing pictures of our "friends" without them knowing and publish them anywhere - or send them to everyone on our "picture messaging" list. The hit series Gossip Girl focuses on the ability to humiliate each other with the touch of a "send" button. Video chat, digital imagery, video games - all have desensitized an entire generation to the concept of humanity...acting before we know the consequences, we can cause so much damage in so little time.

None of this would happen if WE, as the PARENTS, didn't allow it. There are nasty comments all over the internet about Wei and Ravi - how awful they are, how they should get the book thrown at them...yet I see very few comments asking where their parents were when they were raised to believe that bullying - ANY bullying - is funny, ok, or acceptable?

A boy calls another boy a name. Boy goes to parents upset. Parents call other boy's parents. Then they hear "Well, you know, boys will be boys." No. NO. NO. This is NOT OK. We have a responsibility, as parents, to raise our children to be decent human beings. If your 18 year old kid does something like this, I am going to blame you (note - if your 30 year old kid does it, it's his fault - that's old enough to have realized your parents raised you wrong and get some awareness - but at 18, you are a product of your parents). As a parent, YOU DID SOMETHING WRONG - maybe you bullied your own kids into obedience. Parents calling a child "worthless" is not uncommon - disgusting, but not uncommon. Maybe your kids saw you laughing at someone else's misfortune. More likely, your kids observed you do nothing when someone was being bullied in some way. THIS TELLS THEM IT'S OK.

Much has been said about Wei and Ravi's ethnic backgrounds, indicating that they should be "more" tolerant of homosexuality because they are from non-traditional ethnic backgrounds. Really? Do we REALLY THINK THIS? The truth is, if it weren't gays, it would be someone else. These kids believed that publicly humiliating someone was funny - regardless of what that someone was doing, or who that someone was. Funny. Like haha funny. Like "look at that guy having sex with another guy/picking his nose/masturbating/going through his roommate's drawers" funny. And yes, I realize that being videotaped/broadcast having sex is FAR worse than picking your nose, the point is that it was public humliation - and these wastes of space thought it was FUNNY.

I watched Schindler's List with Jared when he was nine years old. I wanted him to SEE - even then - the horror of what one human being can cause another. I wanted him to know it was wrong. When Matthew Shepard died, I made sure they knew - and why. Yes, we've watched Mean Girls - and laughed during it. But my children are WELL aware of what would happen to them should I find out they participated in that sort of behavior...and when they did, they suffered consequences as a result of it.

Our children do not raise themselves, and with very few exceptions, they are not born bad. Molly Wei and Dharun Ravi were not BORN to believe bullying is is a joke. They were raised that way.

Please don't get me wrong - I am not saying these parents raised their kids with a daily dosage of "go out there and bully." What I AM saying is that along the way, they had the opportunity to teach them right and wrong - and they chose not to do so. In most cases, it's more a matter of speaking out against injustice - when you don't, you are teaching your children that injustice is justice. If your child is sitting in a room, and you're talking with a friend, and your friend is ranting about the "dothead" that cut in front of her in the supermarket line, you, as the parent, are obligated to ask your friend not to speak that way in front of your child - or remove your child. Sorry - I know it's uncomfortable...but your primary responsibility here is to raise a child. By saying nothing, your child is learning that speaking that way about a culture is ok - and he's learning that from his parent. Even when he gets to school, and they try to teach him it's wrong, he's not going to get it - because it's ok with his parents.

It's OUR fault, people. WE are the ones who are raising this generation. It's our responsibility to show them that tolerance and acceptance are better than bullying and humiliation. It's our responsibility to speak up - and loudly - when we see injustice...so that our children realize it's happening and that we, as their parents, do not support it (remember - most kids are devastated at the thought that they've disappointed their parents). It's our responsibility to show our children that there are consequences for bullying...and then implement them. We cannot sit back and just say "how could they," because they COULD because we told them it was ok.

I am, of course, not speaking of every parent...I know there are parents who raise their children to be aware, and tolerant, and to believe that bullying of any sort is wrong. But while we absolutely, positively, need to be held accountable for our actions, one of those actions IS raising children. And so, while we are condemning Ravi and Wei for what is truly a heinous act that ended tragically for Tyler Clementi, so should we be condemning their parents, and their grandparents, and their aunts, uncles, neighbors, and anyone else who had contact with them - because they learned this behavior somewhere.

I am very sorry for Tyler Clementi and his family. I am sorry he felt so horrifyingly humiliated that he needed to take his own life. I am sorry his family is going to have to suffer every day for the rest of their lives as they grieve him. But I am sorrier for us - because while the tolerance of homosexuality may increase over time, there will be another "group" that will become the victims of people who feel public humiliation is a right.

And above all, I am thankful that my son has dorm mates and roommates who were raised by decent people.

Rant over.